My husband and I have been together for more than eight years. One of the most important things to us is to have a “date night”. The importance of this when you live together, or have been married for years, and when you have children is to have specific time dedicated to each other. In a world where both parties in a couple work, it’s important to create time to play.

At the moment we are so busy, and our schedules conflict, we only have Friday mid-day to spend with each other. So in our case at the moment it’s not even at night it’s a date day. The benefits are numerous. I know that by Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning, I start to get excited for Friday. Every couple really needs to be in communication about what constitutes a date, and what your needs are in this aspect. Cap and I generally have a meal, go to a movie, and have sex.

It has taken years to distinguish what we each need to consider to be a “date.” For me it’s important to have a meal together, and preferably out. He is a little more flexible; he just wants it to be quality time spent together. I also feel that it’s important to get dressed up, put on make up and look fabulous, so we have agreed to have a fancy date about once a month. I put on a dress, and he puts on dress pants, it takes it up a notch. Trust me, there are those occasions, when we just want to chill out and vegg on the couch, and we do that too. So we discuss it, and call it a date if that’s what we both need.

The other thing that we find to be an important aspect of the “date’ is the sex. As a married couple with a toddler, it’s not always easy to squeeze in the sex during the rest of the week. Knowing that it’s Friday, and I’m going to have sex today, always makes it a good day. I know when I take my shower, it’s important to shave, and primp appropriately.

Now I know a lot of women want romance, and spontaneity, maybe you get that on date night, maybe on another night. For us, we find that we are of the belief, ”why not have desert first” or in our case, sex before dinner and a movie. We have come to the conclusion that getting up early with Mackenzie, and late nights for him, sex before dinner works well, it’s usually during her late afternoon nap. Think about it, how often have you gone to dinner and stuffed yourself, and then a movie, and the energy you have left is for a food coma, and then the sex gets pushed until tomorrow. The way we do it, works for us – you need to figure out what works best for you, even if it’s not the norm. I love our dessert first attitude, and sometimes we have apple pie for breakfast!

So I’ve been sick for the last ten days, with all kinds of things that are keeping me from feeling sexy.  Don’t worry I won’t share the gory details, but it stated with ear infections in both ears from a cold I caught from my toddler.  I find that when I am feeling less connected to my husband, one of the reasons is because we haven’t had sex in a while. In my experience, sex is the number one way to create intimacy in the relationship when it’s missing.

Women, I know we like to talk, share and be vulnerable, that’s how we feel connected.  I have had female clients who feel that they need to be wooed, or romanced to have sex with their partners.  They feel like the intamcy must come first, then the sex. However, for most men, sex is a the way for them to be vulnerable and feel connected to us (not that it’s how they would describe it.) Sex is the access to creating intimacy. And after they are satisfied, they are more likely to be able to listen to us for longer stretches of time for us to share.

As Charlotte York said in Sex & the City, “Harry & I make love 2-3 times a week.” My guess is that is probably a good average that most people are happy with. But Samantha on the other hand wants it all of the time. Once you both have discussed it and have figured out how many times a week keeps you both satisfied, it’s really easy to notice when there is something else going on in the relationship. Yes, I know sometimes, the schedule is off, someone is sick (like I have been), or whatever – but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Sexual frequency is a  good way to judge when there is something else that’s not working in the relationship. If you’re mad at your man for some reason, you don’t want to have sex with him and vice versa.  I know I have had things going on, and not even been aware of a resentment or unspoken communication until I have realized it’s been a while since we’d had sex.

Pay attention: If you are not having sex as often as you would like, or as he would like, look to see what other part of your relationship is blocking the flow of intimacy.  Lack of sex is usually an obvious way to see if things are off track.  So if it’s been a while for you too, figure out what’s bothering you -communicate it, and get it resolved!  Go have some hot make-up sex!  You’ll both feel better soon.

Who I am? And why should you listen to me?

Well I have been married, made many mistakes, learned from them, and came out on the other side with a great new husband. After I got divorced I delved into relationship books, seminars, communication and team seminars, I met with healers, therapists, and anyone I could learn from. To quote Thomas Edison “I didn’t fail ten thousand times. I successfully eliminated ten thousand materials and combinations that didn’t work.“

So I was like Edison trying to invent the light bulb during my first marriage, I made ten thousand mistakes, and came out on the other side with the answers that I think make the difference and will help keep others from making the mistakes I made.

That’s when people started relating to me as an expert on relationships. I give good advice and coaching on how to interact with your partner, and create more love, passion and joy, where it has been missing.

Now, I am a Associate Certified Coach through the International Coach Federation. I have been coaching people since 2003. I really enjoy seminars, and got the opportunity to coach other people while in a two yearlong communication program at Landmark Education. I am also married to my Mr. Right, the man of my Dreams, so I will refer to him as “Captain Dreamy.” He and I have been together over eight years and have a beautiful young daughter.

Here are a few things that I have learned along the path from my divorce to my happy fulfilling marriage to Captain Dreamy, that I think will help others. I hope this information will not only start you on a path of correcting the behaviors that don’t work in relationships, but also learn new ones that will help keep you in healthy happy relationships.

I am finally on twitter, now I tweet …

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